Titles don’t allow for emoji’s, but if they did it I would have chosen the one that’s rolling its eyes. That sums life up around here for the better part of the last month.
The funny thing is I really enjoy writing and posting here, but when I force myself to make it look and feel a certain way, I run in the other direction with my hair on fire. Anyone else? Maybe. Anyway…
It’s just about the middle of June. My kids are out of school and that is fantastic. I realize not all parents feel this way but I started counting down the days in April. My kids are old enough that they have a decent amount of independence. But also they still want to hang out with me so I’m holding on to this time for as long as I can without looking like a crazy person.
The only thing that would make me happier is if I could control the weather. I cannot, but wow would that make a difference. I made the mistake of saying “I miss the rain”, and then it started raining (and hailing) here in Colorado and it hasn’t stopped in almost a month. I had to check my zip code and make sure I hadn’t been magically transported to the Pacific Northwest. It’s ridiculous. On the plus-side everything is super green, so maybe our fire season won’t be so bad this year. One can hope.
So besides garbage weather, why the eye-roll? Well, because I’ve had so much to say, and this long list of things I want to do and I have done practically zero of them. Every time I sat down to do something on my ever-evolving to do list I spun myself in a stupid circle and then nothing got done. I was doing this every day until finally I gave up. I gave up on anything that wasn’t on the ESSENTIAL FOR SURVIVAL list.
Sounds overly dramatic.
But that’s how I roll.
So what was on the essential for survival list? Me tending to my in-person clients– It’s how I make money. Whether I like it or not it is essential. I actually fired one, and that was a much larger weight off my shoulders than I initially realized. Me taking care of myself– which has had several moving parts and I’ll dive into that eventually. Last but not least- Taking care of my kids– As I said before they are pretty independent humans, but I’m still “Mom”, and they’re still 12 and 9.
Anything else just didn’t happen. I sucked at tending to relationships that existed outside of my immediate surroundings (If I have friends or family reading this- I still love you but I haven’t had the capacity). I didn’t write here or really at all. I revisited the “Artists Way” method the beginning of June and I’ve felt much more at ease. Still not showing up how I DESIRE to, but showing up in a way that feels more manageable. I wasn’t reading. Nothing really felt interesting or enjoyable to me. Lastly, my working out was getting 2-3 runs a week in, but that was it. Movement has long been my medicine but I just couldn’t do it.
Now that I’ve written this all out it sounds a lot like a depressive episode. It could have been, it wouldn’t be the first time. As I’m now on the other side of it I realize that living in this body with this brain means I have behaviors that are deeply ingrained and how I choose to handle them is what makes all the difference.
The most impactful thing that I have done in the past couple weeks (hence why I’m here writing now) is intentionally started to turn down the volume. There’s a Halsey song where she says “I have a problem with parties ‘cuz it’s loud in my brain.” I don’t go to parties as that is too much people-ing, BUT I’ve noticed more and more lately that its very loud inside my head even when the room is silent. All that noise started to become debilitating.
But not debilitating because I am on oldest child and so I push through (sound familiar to anyone else?) With some help from those who are smarter than I, I started to eliminate the noise. Wouldn’t you know, I no longer always feel like I’m running around like a headless chicken. I have more ability to focus, I have more desire to engage in the things I enjoy, and my creativity has started flowing once more.
Do I think my recent headspace will never happen again? Nope sure don’t. I’ve dealt with this for years, but I’ve lacked the ability to name it until recently. I just assumed that it was how I was wired, so I kept pushing. Now I know that eventually I can and will reach a point when I can’t push anymore. If I catch it, I can back off and redirect. So I look to address the “noise” and find solitude before it overtakes me. It’s a one day at a time kind of thing, and that’s how I’m going to approach it.
When I show up here (which will be more frequently though there may not be the pictures and tags and all the details) I want to do so with authenticity. That’s why I’ve written here for as long as I have. Social media and online spaces are full of the people that show you the highlight reel and leave out the actual mush they’re walking through. I’ve not ever been good at sugar-coating, so why would I do it here?
Chat soon Awesome Humans, there is more to come!